I have been looking for my calling. My individual purpose that I follow to define myself as an individual and make my impact, whether it be on the world or just an impact on my world, my family, my friends, my reality.
I think I am starting to see that my personal, individual calling right now is to focus on myself, my needs, my growth. Actually giving myself the attention I so desperately need. I can't give my family my love, my grace and my care if I haven't found it inside of myself, for myself. I am putting myself into rehab. A personal rehab thats in the midst of my daily life.
At the beginning of this transformation journey, I wiped out all thoughts and feelings and started over. At that point, that was healthy and what I had to do. And for awhile I was at peace for the first time in all of my life. But then I got to a point in that process where I needed to start construction on who I was going to be.
That ended up bringing pain, confusion and major anxiety, trying to figure out what my new intentional belief system and perspectives were going to be.
During this phase I needed silence, but was grasping for answers because I was functioning out of fear. Fear of being wrong, fear for my eternal future. Fear for my children and my sudden lack of guidance they were receiving from me. I tried to shut out the outside influences that supported my old and broken belief system. That was done out of fear and intense pain, which before would mean that it was a bad and even wrong action. Now I see it as a needed action, that came out of my using my fear and pain as a tool of protection and a future foundation for growth.
Now, I am finally ready to grow. I am ready to connect and re-engage spiritually. To discover God and the spiritual realm in a way that truly resonates with me in my soul. In doing so, I will find forgiveness of myself, acceptance of the good and bad of myself, and honestly the forgiveness towards the god I used to try to serve, that only produced more pain, guilt, shame, self-righteousness and all of those negative emotions and perspectives.
This is my time to find my freedom, in myself and in the spiritual realm.
I think I am starting to see that my personal, individual calling right now is to focus on myself, my needs, my growth. Actually giving myself the attention I so desperately need. I can't give my family my love, my grace and my care if I haven't found it inside of myself, for myself. I am putting myself into rehab. A personal rehab thats in the midst of my daily life.
At the beginning of this transformation journey, I wiped out all thoughts and feelings and started over. At that point, that was healthy and what I had to do. And for awhile I was at peace for the first time in all of my life. But then I got to a point in that process where I needed to start construction on who I was going to be.
That ended up bringing pain, confusion and major anxiety, trying to figure out what my new intentional belief system and perspectives were going to be.
During this phase I needed silence, but was grasping for answers because I was functioning out of fear. Fear of being wrong, fear for my eternal future. Fear for my children and my sudden lack of guidance they were receiving from me. I tried to shut out the outside influences that supported my old and broken belief system. That was done out of fear and intense pain, which before would mean that it was a bad and even wrong action. Now I see it as a needed action, that came out of my using my fear and pain as a tool of protection and a future foundation for growth.
Now, I am finally ready to grow. I am ready to connect and re-engage spiritually. To discover God and the spiritual realm in a way that truly resonates with me in my soul. In doing so, I will find forgiveness of myself, acceptance of the good and bad of myself, and honestly the forgiveness towards the god I used to try to serve, that only produced more pain, guilt, shame, self-righteousness and all of those negative emotions and perspectives.
This is my time to find my freedom, in myself and in the spiritual realm.
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